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The Complete Fucking Idiot's Guide to the Black Market
Column by Mike LambSo you'd like to become a rich, oversexed druglord/arms dealer, huh? Well you've come to the right place. Welcome to the internet, a magical land where everything is absolutely free...
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Christmas with the Kardashians (Black Tar Prophecies, Vol. 2)
Column by Mike LambI don't have much time, so I have to write this out quickly before the vision is gone from my mind. I am a prophet. To be more specific, I am a drug-fueled prophet of doom. My name...
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The Birds and the Bees
Column by Mike LambFATHER: Junior, I think it's about time we had a little father-son talk.SON: Okay Dad.FATHER: Whiskey?SON: No thank you.FATHER: Son, what I wanted to talk to you about was...man,...
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Whitney Houston is Smoking Crack in My Kitchen
Column by Mike LambPart One: The 911 Tapes"911, what's your emergency?""There's an intruder in my house.""Alright, I need you to stay calm. Are they in the house right now?""Yes.""Can you describe...
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10 Classic Things Every Awesome/Terrible Movie Should Have
Column by Mike LambTwo of my favorite things are drinking and watching shitty movies. Whenever possible, I like to combine these things, forming my own twisted movie drinking games with elaborate and...
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Jesus for President
Column by Mike LambJesus materializes on the White House lawn to announce his plans to run for U.S. president in 2012. A press conference is summoned.Reporter #1: So Jesus, what is your stance on gay...
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Global Warming 2: Satan's Revenge
Column by Mike LambAs you know, Global Warming was brutally defeated in 2008 by Paul Frank's scathing editorial bombshell entitled "Global Warming Does Not Exist." And while it is completely true and...
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The Make-An-Unreasonable-Wish Foundation
Column by Mike LambEvery year, trillions* of children die from fatal diseases. And while it's true that we can't actually cure any of these diseases due to the tremendous financial risks to the...
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An Appointment with Dr. Hack
Column by Mike LambWilliam Tubbs walks into a doctor's office. The doctor and nurse greet him as he sits down on the examination table.DR. HACK: Hi there, Mr., um... Tubbs? Ha, that's a funny...
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Stealthy Ninja Sexual Triggers
Column by Mike LambAre you longing for sexy good time with hot lady? Are you grow tired of bad rejected because girls no like? Change your life, make full of happy! Learn becoming sex ninja in three...
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Brent Vanguard's Rapeocalypse Insurance Program
Column by Mike LambHi there. My name is Brent Vanguard and I'd like to talk to you about safety. Do you think you're safe? You probably do. And you know what? You're probably wrong.Take a look at...
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Drug War Heroes: An Interview with Mickey Wolf
Column by Mike LambThe following is a transcript from the weekly radio talk show American Heroes, hosted by Jonathan Gaylord. It has been edited for content by the FCC.JG: Joining me today is Mickey...
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My Hollywood Reboot Wishlist
Column by Mike LambIt's no secret that Hollywood has been cannibalizing itself for years now. I speak of course of the endless stream of remakes that have plagued theaters for the past decade. It's a...
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The Time I Accidentally Started a Religion Because Facebook Doesn't Get Sarcasm
Column by Mike LambI'm kind of a smart ass. I suffer from a condition known as OSD, or Obsessive Sarcasm Disorder. One of the main symptoms of this disorder is that I often find myself incapable of...
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Four Signs of the Rapeocalypse: Boris Vallejo Unicorn Porn Edition
Column by Mike LambGather round, ye puny mortals! For we are the eternal gods of future fantasy and forgotten fables, and we bring you tales of the Rapeocalypse!The...
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The Inflammatory Political Quiz
Column by Mike Lamb1. I'm tired of my tax dollars paying for other people's birth control because...I'm not having sex with them.Something something the Bible.You're going to make me pay for your kid's...
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Freud vs. Freud: A Psychological Experiment in Dick Jokes
Column by Mike LambHere at Unethical Laboratories Inc., we have a unique vision. That vision is to spend millions of dollars on genetic engineering and cloning technology for completely frivolous...
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50 Shades of Butt Rub
Column by Mike LambIn my ongoing quest to become a best-selling novelist, I have decided to turn my attention to the current holy grail of highbrow literary fiction: fan-fic erotica for lonely...
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Frankenturkey: A Thanksgiving Book Report
Column by Mike LambI have a confession to make: I read children's books. Really, really bad ones. I have an entire book case dedicated to Choose Your Own Adventure, and I've read so many stupid R. L....
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Why the Hell Would You Take Your Children to See Evil Dead?
Column by Mike LambLike most old school horror film geeks, I went to see the new Evil Dead remake fully prepared to love it, despise it, or both. It ended up doing both, but mostly I enjoyed it. Was it...
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Screenplay for a Slasher Film
Column by Mike LambMidnight in seventies film grain.Horror jazz soundtrack for piano and bass fills the air. Big dark city made of interlocking alleys, lit up by pink neon and yellow headlights. Loose...
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Up Yours, Mars
Column by Mike LambFirst off, THIS HAPPENED. That story is real. We did that. We sent a ship hurtling through space, dumped a dune buggy drone on a world millions of miles away, and etch-a-sketched a...
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We Need Another Oil Spill
Column by Mike LambHi there. My name is Brent Vanguard, CEO of Solutions, Inc., the highly profitable non-profit organization committed to improving the quality of life of your family, friends, pets,...
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THE ASIANS ARE COMING!!
Column by Mike LambIt's recently come to my attention that North Korea is probably going to blow up the world pretty soon. And by the world, I mean America. Apparently it has something to do with some...
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Introducing the New GoogleCat
Column by Mike LambCats are great. They're cute, they're cuddly, and they do funny things. But they're not as great as they could be. Until now, that is.Do you have a cat? What does it do all day? Be...
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New Dudes Magazine
Column by Mike LambHey dudes, I'm here to tell you about my exciting new Kickstarter project, New Dudes Magazine, the workout magazine for dudes who like watching dudes working out. And just because...
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The 2016 Zombie Presidential Debate
Column by Mike LambAfter wasting untold billions of dollars and countless human lives, we here at Unethical Laboratories, Inc. are happy to announce that we have finally perfected our...
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Four Mockbuster Screenplays on a $100 Budget
Column by Mike LambIf you've ever been inside a video store, and I realize that maybe some of you haven't... are there even any video stores left in the world, or did the Earth just swallow them all up...
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The Top 20 Awesomely Bad 80's Movies in the World
Column by Mike LambBy now we've all heard the phrase "So bad it's good" in reference to unintentionally hilarious low budget films that are wildly entertaining for all the wrong reasons. I like to...
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Man Fiction: Books About Shooting People in the Face
Column by Mike LambEveryone at some point in their life has seen a romance novel. And everyone knows that romance novels are stupid pieces of literary trash marketed towards sad, lonely old women with...
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